By Mary Jones | Thursday, February 6, 2025 | 2 min read
If Vladimir Putin ever decided to run for President of the United States, he wouldn’t even need to learn English—he’d just need a really big checkbook and a Supreme Court that loves unlimited campaign spending. And guess what? He already has both!
Imagine the campaign: Instead of kissing babies, Putin could just throw stacks of cash at the problem. Thanks to Citizens United, money talks in American elections, and Putin’s billions would be louder than a Fox News anchor on election night. He wouldn’t even need to step foot in Iowa—just fund a few super PACs, drop some attack ads, and suddenly, swing states would be leaning very red.
The GOP: Putin’s New Besties
Of course, winning over the Republican Party would be a breeze. All he’d have to do is sprinkle in a few talking points about “traditional values” and boom—instant MAGA icon. Ban transgender people? Check. Invade something? Double check. Annex the rubble of Gaza and call it a “military peacekeeping mission”? Why not! A little foreign policy flex always plays well in an election year.
And just to make sure Congress stays in line, Putin could follow the tried-and-true method of simply buying a few members. A couple of well-placed checks, some lucrative post-Congress jobs in Moscow, and suddenly, the entire GOP would be working for him—officially, this time.
The Supreme Court: Putin’s Legal Lifeline
But what about the Constitution, you ask? Easy. If anyone dared to question whether a foreign dictator could legally become president, Justice Clarence Thomas could rule in Putin’s favor from the comfort of his brand-new, Russian-financed luxury motorhome. And if things got really dicey, Justice Samuel Alito could back it up with a well-researched legal argument citing 16th-century British witchcraft laws. “Clearly,” Alito would say, “there is precedent here.”
The New America: A Putin Presidency
So what would America under President Putin look like? Well, the White House would get some serious gold upgrades. Texas would become “New Crimea.” And instead of “In God We Trust,” the dollar bill would now read, “In Vlad We Trust.”
Would Americans actually vote for him? Probably not. But let’s be real—does it even matter anymore? As long as the money flows, the ads play, and the courts comply, Putin 2028 is just one campaign away.
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